Another installment of “The Weekend Edition,” on account of how I like talking about my weekends. Here’s what I did on this weekend.

Friday, I went out with Alex, Rich and John for the Critical Mass ride. There are three types of people at the Critical Mass ride, and they’re generally in pretty equal proportion. There are the counter-culturalist protester types, that don’t like cars or cops and like to make a whole political thing out of it. There are a number of people that are there for the scene and like to try biking and drinking beer at the same time. And there are people that like the opportunity to ride a bike and not fear getting hit by a car. I’m somewhere in between the last two, as I like looking cool and I also like bikeriding. I’ve got no time for these jokers that do the traffic-blocking and have fights with the people in cars. But at least somebody is doing it, I guess.

I gotta say, these cops that escort the riders at the start - these guys have got to put up with so much shit, and they remain so patient. I don’t think they get thanked enough. It’s nice that the Chi embraces the Critical Mass unlike other cities.

So we go all around the city for a couple hours, finally ending up by the lake on Division. I had to turn around and speed back to the West side so I could clean up and go to Vince’s welcome home visit party at this bar Simone’s in Pilsen.

So I split a cab with Vince and his new gal Margaux and we stayed there all night whilst Eric Burba DJ’ed and Vince’s friends moved in and out. Apparently Vince has this friend whose girlfriend was in a modern dance group competition that weekend. What’s more, they were apparently the modern dance troupe that no one had pegged to win the competition because there were some heavy hitters in town from the East Coast. But guess what happened? Yeah, you guessed it. They modern danced their way right into the finals! (You have to understand that in my head that whole scene plays out like sketch comedy.)

I got home pretty late that night and Bethie left me to sleep for most of the morning which was so thoughtful of her. I got up and out and we went to finalize tuxedo rentals then to the Home Depot for items needed to fortify our tomato-growing operation. I’ve got these tomatos looking great. They are mulched, weeded, fertilized, caged and staked.

After our errands we loaded up the dog and went to the softball field to hang with Vince and his people for a couple hours. It was a really nice day, but TOTAL was being a jerk to some other dogs and Bethie was stressed about it. I didn’t really care because he’s old and he’s entitled to his perogative.

That night we had to go to Beverly to a party for some of her Irish family. Holy shit, Beverly is really nice. There are mansions everywhere and hills. There are very few hills in Chicago. So we spend some time there eating all manner of snacks and whatnot and socializing.

Sunday we got up and went to brunch at the Breakfast Club. Bethie got the chocolate chip pancakes and it was like a plate full of candy bars.

Then we had to meet some folks in the loop for the Forgotten Chicago walking tour. Bethie was such a little trooper for going along for this. It’s not really her cup of tea. Lots of “look at this building that you would have never noticed because it’s tiny and right next to a skyscraper.” At one point they were pointing out a freshly torn-down building and bemoaning it’s demolition to make way for a park. Bethie goes “Oh, that sounds nice!” and everybody looked at her funny.

Nevertheless, I had a good time. I like all that “did you know” stuff.

Afterwards we went and bought a gallon of rum for Lynnie’s housewarming gift. She bought a really nice condo in Buena Park and we went to visit. The only problem was the complete lack of parking on a nice Sunday close to the lake in the middle of the gay pride parade. We had to drive around forever. But so anyway we had a nice time with Lynnie and picked up some Art of Pizza on the way home. We both felt like we had been drugged after so much rum and pizza.

Also, Michael Jackson died last week.

So Bethie and I were really stepping it up this Friday. After work we need to go to Brooks and Busby’s party, then Libby and Clare’s party, and then I wanted to go see Rachel’s band Post Honeymoon at The Hideout at 10. (I printed that poster, btw.) So given that intense party plan, what else would Bethie and I do but go home, walk the dog, and proceed to order a pizza from Salerno’s and watch Wedding Crunchers for the 20th time. I eventually managed to make it out, and walked over to Mike and Christine’s for their party, but that was all the circulating I could manage. At first, I was just going to stay for a couple beers and then walk home, but before I knew it, it was 2am.

So Saturday, Bethie and I headed to the EBC to take advantage of some free passes she had got a hold of. We were hob-nobbing with the well-heeled upper-crust. Sitting by that pool, reading our mags. That night, we went over to the Greek grocery and got us some kababs and some pitas and whatnot. We grilled all that up for a quick, simple dinner. Also, it was Puerto Rican weekend in the Chi, so the flags and carhorns were out in full force.

Sunday we went out to pick up my tuxedo and do Father’s Day with her people. But these Nordstrom people, I think they are jerking us around a little bit, and didn’t make the alterations that they said they were gonna make. So I left it with them and we’re gonna try and pick it up again in a couple weeks.

So then we go to the racetrack and a couple times I came REALLY close to winning $1000 but by the end of the day I was down about $60. And then, we all found success when we played a hunch on a horse that was named after Bethie’s brother. $60 won back and we left.

Then we went back to Bethie’s parents house and had a gigantic dinner. The meals at the Polark’s are always a pretty big deal, but this one seemed especially plate-crowding. I ate so much and I told Bethie I wanted to lie down in the backseat while she drove home, but she wouldn’t let me.

So I survived the weekend, despite not knowing what to do. At first, Ryan and Amy were going to be stopping through, so that’d be good. But then they changed plans. Then I was gonna go see Chris Bergerson in Michigan City, but I decided not to, because the weather still isn’t warm. So I just stayed put. Here are the key takeaways.

I was hanging out with some neighbors on Friday night and I got to say:
“Bethie left me… (long pause) for the weekend.” That went over pretty well.

Saturday I had to run the errand so I went to the Stanley’s and got us all our fruit and veg. I was excited to see they’ve opened a deli counter now but it all looked pretty expensive. They also got a potato chip making machine where you can watch the potato chips coming off the conveyor. That was something.

As I had nothing better to do on Saturday, I tried my hand at online betting. And I actually won, turning $40 into $60. This was frustrating for me because I think I’d rather win thousands of dollars or lose it all. This just prolongs the inevitable.

That night, I cooked up a steak that I had bought but had forgot to remove it’s 30% off coupon when I was checking out. So that steak was pretty good, but it was not of good value. I also skewered some mushrooms with spinach leaves and grilled that as well. This was a highlight of the weekend.

Sunday, I had to do chores and errands. The first chore was self-elected as I had been intending for some time to hide the wires to my TV behind the wall. This became an exercise in patience, puzzles and dexterity, but I got it done. I also had to go to the Target to buy new pillows. Did you know the pillow aisle at Target has them divided by sleeping type? I thought that was great. I speculated that Bethie and I are most likely “side-sleepers” so I went with the firm pillows.

For lunch I stopped at the Birrieria Estilo Jalisco and got a grande birria to go. Oh man. This was where it was at.

Also Sunday I did the laundry, played that xbox I’ve come to love so much, and cleaned up more about the house for Bethie’s return. She gets back today and I am pretty excited to hear all about it. I am sure she had such a great time.

Also, I slept on the couch all weekend and wore the same outfit two days in a row.

Bethie is abandoning me this weekend to go to Las Vegas with her friends. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I don’t really have anything to do while she is gone. I expect to do a lot of xbox this weekend.

So this weekend found me visiting the Old Easy, the Semi-circular City, Marsh Country… New Orleans, that is. It was a big combination bachelor party with no less than 3 bachelors and no more than 11-12 people.

Mark and I flew in from Chicago around 4 and met up with an already entrenched Mike K, Matt C, August and Dave… who had arrived earlier in the day. We drank beers at a place called Buffa’s that we got to by walking clear to the end of the ol’ Bourbon Street. This place was more of an off the beaten path kind of place. I was pretty impressed with how old and peculiar the buildings are in New Orleans. I probably could’ve done more walking around and observing and whatnot, but I was there for drinking, not that other dumb stuff!

So the next place we go to is on this street that’s a couple streets down from the Bourbon Street, and it was a little more “real” with lots of transients. We had dinner at a place called Coop’s that had it’s kitchen in the backyard. I got the Jambalaya and it was just OK. Mark got the Gumbo and it was pretty amazing.

Some time around this point, the Kansas City delegation of Matt B, Darren, Mike C, and Gregg showed up and we continued walking around and drinking. Made our way into a piano bar and stayed there for several, several songs. On the way out, Dave and I remembered that the North ruled and the South drooled, so we gave all them New Orleanians an earful of that. Kept wandering, kept drinking. Eventually it was around 4 in the morning so we got six packs and fried chicken from the convenience store and called it a night.

The next morning we woke up and there was something wrong with Dave. He was in the bathroom for about an hour and there were all these wet towels in the tub. I went down to street-level to make some moves and I came back with the stuff needed for bloody mary’s and mimosas. Slowly everyone made their way over to our hotel to sit by the pool and drink. We spent pretty much the whole day doing that. Shooting the breeze and eating sandwiches.

Then we cleaned up quick and I went to the casino with Darren, Dave, and Mark’s friend the “mac-dog” who flew in that morning from St. Louis. I promptly lost all of my money. I mean promptly. Like, within an hour. I was pretty frustrated with that. I didn’t even get to enjoy it for a minute. I don’t think I like casinos anymore.

My frustration was erased when we met up for our dinner reservation at Luke. This place was pretty amazing. When we got there, the other dudes had already ordered the seafood tower and it was waiting for us. This thing never seemed to end. Oysters, shrimps, big crabs, little crabs, lobster, crayfish, mussels and octopus. Then I had a cup of the gumbo, followed by the shrimp stuffed with crab and sausage. It was the fanciest, nicest dinner that I ever ate mostly with my hands. We had some great desserts and coffee and lit out once again.

About this time, I ran out of steam. I called it a night around 11, thinking maybe I’d be fresh the next morning. I wasn’t. I felt miserable like Dave probably had felt the day before. I finally got it together just enough and around 2 we went back down to street level, where I got a big frozen margarita in a styrofoam cup and we walked to the river. Margarita consumed, still trying to shake off feeling dreadful. We met up with everyone else for the swamp tour where they were drinking twelve-packs of Coors Light in the lobby. Beers consumed, starting to feel better. Sat shotgun in the swamp tour van next to the Cajun van driver. He was trying to get a sense for his crowd - seeing how racist he should get. He tossed out a story about how people in New Orleans can’t run down hills… especially black people. I don’t know what was going on in the back of the van, but I’d imagine everyone just turned and looked out the window at that point. That’s what I did.

So we get all the way out to the swamp and there were alligators and cats everywhere. I really wanted to see one of them mix it up with the other. More Coors Light. We spend a long time waiting for our tour to start, but that was alright. We were gonna tickle this tiny alligator with a branch of dead leaves, but this other old boy told us that if we do that we’d have to go to jail for a year.

Finally we go on the tour, and this guy talks real fast and drives the boat real slow. We see tons and tons of alligators. Enough that it got a little passé. I threw a marshmallow at one and it hit him in the eye. Apparently they like marshmallows because they can’t see that well so they stand out in the water and they float.

So we all pile back in the van and Mark starts quizzing the driver on all of the different places we could go. We wind up at this place called Cooter Brown’s that had a lot of different beers. They also had a lunch window, so we all got sandwiches, and they had an oyster bar so I got a half-dozen. Oysters are so much better than you’d think they should be.

After that we walked up on top of the levee, and amazingly, we saw two people fall down that hill! But they were both white people, so I guess it’s a problem that’s colorblind. (Later at the airport I noticed a big warning sign that the floor was inclined.)

Then we walked down the street to this place called the Maple Leaf. We were out in a different New Orleans nabe, at this point. I guess close to Tulane. Anyway, this place was kind of empty, but we stuck around for a while and eventually learned that the band would show up around nine and that’s when they’d start the crawfish boil. What? Ok.

So then this guy is throwing out these 4 by 8 tables. (Really throwing ‘em. Like he hated them.) Four tables down the middle of the bar. And then they bring in these laundry baskets full of crawfish and dump them out on the table. and everybody swarms to the tables and stands there for 20 minutes or so ripping apart crayfish and eating and it was fantastic. The bathroom ran out of paper towels pretty fast.

So then the band plays for a while, and every so often new laundry baskets of crawfish are delivered to the tables. Each time they’d also have some different stuff to throw out as well. Like roasted ducks, and boiled pork chops. This was all so delicious, but a person would hit their sodium overload pretty quick. I kept thinking how much I’d love to eat this again like a week from now. I also was thinking I wished I didn’t already eat dinner so I could’ve ate more.

So I hit my limit around 12:30 and I split off from the party with Matt B, and August. We took a cab home and that was that. I felt bad that I didn’t do a better job of staying out late, but I guess I was trying to be sensible?

The next morning was a gray and rainy day as we packed our bags and headed for the airport. Mark had managed to wander off that morning so he didn’t take the cab with us. I was only 20% worried that he’d never make it back. He showed up in time for our flight and this recap of our big New Orleans weekend is now officially over.

HERE ARE AUGUST’S PHOTOS FROM THE WEEKEND:

So yesterday, I go to the doctor for a check-up. Normally, most people don’t need to do this. It’s perfectly fine to just go on living your life and not ever think about going to the doctor, unless your really, really sick, and then you should go. However, when you’ve got a fiancé, things don’t work like that, and you have to go to the doctors even when you are perfectly healthy and there is nothing wrong with you. I went there and the doctor was really confused like “So… there’s nothing wrong with you? Well then what are you doing here?”

Except that’s not really what happened. She told me that people should, in fact, go to the doctor every year regardless of their health to get checked up. And I told her that my girlfriend was making me do it, and she said that that’s a normal thing as well. She also told me that Thailand is THE place to go for a honeymoon, and told me all about her honeymoon there and how much she liked it. Then she hit me with the upsell. And what an upsell!

“You might want to get hepatitis shots before you go there. Have you ever had those? It should be in your records.” She says.

“What records?” I says.

“Your medical records.” Like people just go around carrying their medical records with them in a folder.

Regardless, I knew I had never had these shots so I said “How much are they?”

And she says, “I don’t know, but I’ll send the nurse in to administer.”

The nurse comes in and I says, “How much are these?” and she also doesn’t know, but proceeds to stick me with ‘em as fast as you can before I can even start to haggle.

So then I go to give blood… yet another needle puncturing my tender arm-flesh. And then I go to the desk to see what the damage is for these hepatitis shots. $215. And that’s just for the first 2 of 5 shots! When it’s all said and done, this could be like $550 worth of shots! And then Bethie tells me, you don’t even need to have those shots to go to Thailand! I got duped into the ol’ Hepatitis travel scam. The oldest trick in the book!

So Friday we packed our bags for the north woods to go help out at the Wandawega cleaning weekend. (Note the new site. It’s a work in progress.) Lots of stuff needed to be scrubbed and painted and cleaned and raked to get it in shape for the summer. We showed up around nine and spent some time chatting and drinking.

For our work chores the next day, I cleaned the grill, went to the store to buy 30 bags of mulch, got on a roof with a leafblower, hung a volleyball net, and helped light a dresser on fire.

We had to leave early on Saturday - around 2 - to get back to the city for our mini-staycation at the Blackstone downtown. We met up with Bethie’s family and had dinner at the Chicago Firehouse. The next morn, we walked 3 miles or so in the fight against cancer. I wore jeans because it was brisk out, so I felt like kind of a dad walking around there. I probably could’ve done more for the cause wearing an athletic short.

After that we went to peep out our wedding reception destination once again and looked at places in millennium park where we might get wedding pictures taken. Then we stopped by the cultural center to kill time before our 12 o’clock brunch at The Gage.

I like The Gage a lot. They had a really nice marmalade with the passed breads. It turns out I like marmalade. Who knew?!

After that I went to work for the rest of the day and it was soul-crushing.

Here’s what Bethie and I got done this weekend:

Friday:
[x] Tried on tuxedos and learned about fancy dressing.
[x] Bought produce, namely grapefruits. I’ve got a thing for grapefruits.
[x] Watched Brewster’s Millions.

Saturday:
[x] Long walk.
[x] Coffee.
[x] Mother’s day cards purchased.
[x] Hairs cut. Why does this have to be so expensive?!
[x] Derby bets laid, but not paid.
[x] Palestinian food dined upon. It was ok. I think that place is more of a takeout option than a sit-down.

Sunday:
[x] Sun Cherries, Oregon Spring, and New Girls… all organic non-GM tomato varietals purchased from my local gardening concern. Also a jalapeño plant called “El Jefe.”
[x] Plants planted, yard cleaned, mulch put down.
[x] Dog brushed.
[x] Another walk taken.
[x] Spirit enlightened via a yoga class.
[x] Chicken fajita night in America.

Kansas is now the best basketball team in the country.

We just got a new Brandon Rush who comes complete with a guy a that plays professional baseball (!)

He will be a fine compliment to the basketball abilities of your Cole Aldriches and your Sherron Collinses.

Add to that the twin post players, a new backup center, a host of white 3-pointer-stylists, and a rest of the bench that could probably make it to the Sweet Sixteen on their own and this is going to be one fantastic year.

To all of you that chose not to go to the best basketballing school in the country - I hope you can learn to live with that decision.

And Darren said they were the best ribs he’s ever had. Somewhere in the far-off Midwest, a single tear just rolled down Matt Blume’s cheek and landed on his keyboard.